A Small Digression
I would like to address something that’s been bothering me, if you don’t mind.
The topic tonight: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
I got into this show a couple years ago, mostly because of the science in it and the sometimes totally messed up stories. Sue and I really enjoyed it, and we set our TiVo to record every episode that was shown on any channel, and we quickly caught up with all the episodes. I liked it, but after a while I started to realize this show wasn’t as intelligent as I thought it was. The CSI’s (especially those of the female persuasion) often got very emotional when dealing with suspects, shitty quality photos from a black and white security camera can be ’shopped to the quality of 10 mega-pixel camera with a few clicks of a mouse, and DNA testing is cheap and can finished in the time of a worn-out musical montage. But I looked past that for the creative stories, and, of course, Gil Grissom.
But then I started watching CSI: Miami.
This is without a doubt the worst show that has appeared on television in quite some time. I have never seen anything quite like this. Horrendous acting, overblown sets and props, ridiculous criminals, and the most unpleasant excuse for a main character I have yet come across. Horatio Caine, with his cocked head, practically identical outfits, and infamous sunglasses, has an aura of foolishness that never ceases to amaze me. I can’t take this man seriously. For every remark a suspect has, he comes right back with a quip that essentially assumes they are the murderer and are merely hiding it, and that he will quickly find them out. Forgive my ignorance if I’m wrong, but I thought there was such a thing as “innocent until proven guilty.”
He’s always taking his sunglasses off or putting them back on. When they aren’t on, he holds them with both hands near his crotch, though not directly in front of, god forbid he ruins the view. With every damsel in distress, he comforts them in a way that would make me personally afraid for their safety if this weren’t a TV show. I often expect him to say something like, “Daddy’s going to keep you safe and warm,” and then walk up and lay his hand on their chest.
But I think the thing that gets me the most is his voice and manner of speaking. He’s in capable of being anything but serious. I’m positive I’ve yet to hear him tell a joke of any kind, save for the smart-ass remarks he makes when they find a body. For example:
”Frank, it turns out the wave is not the only thing about to hit Miami.” or
”Well, you know what they say, Frank: speed kills.” or
”Frank, where’s Patrick now?”; “I don’t know, he’s missing from the scene. Maybe he took off.”; “Or maybe he got taken for a ride.”
These all came from a nice video seen here: Link.
Keep in mind near the end of each of those quotes, Caine can be seen pausing, putting on his sunglasses, then finishing the quote.
You’ll notice that in each of those quotes, Horatio says the name of who he’s speaking to, more often than not, a detective named Frank. He does this constantly. Whenever he speaks to someone, especially on his team, he’s meticulous about saying first names in a rather condescending tone that seems to reassure himself of his eternal wisdom. I can’t believe anyone can watch this show and think “What a great show!”
By the way, for Jim Carrey’s take on the one and only Horatio Caine, check this video out: Link 2
As for CSI: New York, I don’t have much to say. I really like Gary Sinise, but the show hasn’t ever done anything for me.
That’s all for my rant, have a nice day.
i know you already know how i feel about “horatio” but i’d just like to add: he makes me wish i was dead.
iloveyou.
That clip of Horatio made me LOL, then I almost peed myself on Jim Carrey’s take!
And yeah, the regular CSI is the best of the three.